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Author Topic: Make me laugh.  (Read 38003 times)
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baltimorebone

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« on: Nov 15, 2012, 12:41PM »

I've had an awful day.

Please make me laugh.

 :cry:
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« Reply #1 on: Nov 15, 2012, 01:04PM »

Two mathematicians, Joe and Bob, are in a restaurant.  Joe is talking
about how he feels that math education has really improved in his
lifetime.


Bob is a grumpy old man.  He disagrees.  Strongly.


Joe says, "You know, I bet the average person on the street even knows
a little calculus."  Bob laughs.


Bob goes to the bathroom.  While he's gone, Joe calls their waitress
over and tells her: "Listen, I'm going to ask you to come over here in
about five minutes.  When you do, I'll ask you a question.  I want you
to answer "One-third x cubed." If you do, I'll leave an extra $5 in the
tip."


The waitress blinks at him.  "One thir-dex cue?"


"Sure, close enough."


Bob comes back from the bathroom and Joe says, "Look, I'll bet our
waitress knows the integral of x squared."


Bob scoffs.  Joe bets him $10.


They call the waitress over and Joe asks her the integral of x
squared.  As instructed, she answers "One third x cubed".


And as she's walking away, she calls back over her shoulder, "plus a
constant."

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baltimorebone

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« Reply #2 on: Nov 15, 2012, 01:19PM »

 Good!

I am an economist so this got a smile!

Thanks Eric!
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greg waits
« Reply #3 on: Nov 15, 2012, 02:00PM »

How can you spot an extroverted economist?

When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.
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« Reply #4 on: Nov 15, 2012, 02:10PM »

How can you spot an extroverted economist?

When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Haha! Thanks Greg.
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Andrew Meronek

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« Reply #5 on: Nov 15, 2012, 02:18PM »

Last Christmas, I got a blind friend of mine a Lord Of The Rings book set. Being a bit of an egotist, I gave him a little speech:

"George, now I got you something really special for Christmas. I know how you love a bit of classic literature, and I'll have you know that I searched high and low for this. In fact, I had to travel all the way to Joe Fein Bookstore in Pontiac to find this. It's one-of-a-kind, and made specially for you. You really should thank me for this, and thank me well. Wink. Wink."

So, I handed the set over.

"George, this is the wholly braille."

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« Reply #6 on: Nov 15, 2012, 02:30PM »

How can you spot an extroverted economist?

When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

I'm told that most people go into economics, because they lack the personality needed to be accountants.
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Stretch Longarm
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« Reply #7 on: Nov 15, 2012, 02:42PM »

Last Christmas, I got a blind friend of mine a Lord Of The Rings book set. Being a bit of an egotist, I gave him a little speech:

"George, now I got you something really special for Christmas. I know how you love a bit of classic literature, and I'll have you know that I searched high and low for this. In fact, I had to travel all the way to Joe Fein Bookstore in Pontiac to find this. It's one-of-a-kind, and made specially for you. You really should thank me for this, and thank me well. Wink. Wink."

So, I handed the set over.

"George, this is the wholly braille."



I don't get it...how could he see you winking if he's blind?
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« Reply #8 on: Nov 15, 2012, 02:44PM »

I don't get it...how could he see you winking if he's blind?

Becaise I said "Wink. Wink." Presumably, he was listening.
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Stretch Longarm
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« Reply #9 on: Nov 15, 2012, 02:46PM »

Becaise I said "Wink. Wink." Presumably, he was listening.

I was kidding...! "wink, wink"
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« Reply #10 on: Nov 15, 2012, 02:46PM »

My blind friend Greorge later died and ended up in front of Saint Peter and the pearly gates.

"Are you Saint Peter? How did I end up here?"
"Yes, I am Saint Peter. What is the last thing that you remember?"
"Well, I was touring a skyscraper . . . wait, did I fall?"
"Yes. You found the holey rail."
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« Reply #11 on: Nov 15, 2012, 02:47PM »

I was kidding...! "wink, wink"

Wait, how do I know that you really winked?  Confused
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« Reply #12 on: Nov 15, 2012, 02:50PM »

A dyslexic man went up to a concession stand at a Red Wings game and said, "hi, I would like to buy a Goalie Hail."
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« Reply #13 on: Nov 15, 2012, 02:50PM »

Wait, how do I know that you really winked?  Confused

"I see what you mean", said the blind carpenter, as he picked up his hammer and saw.
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« Reply #14 on: Nov 15, 2012, 02:53PM »

I'm told that most people go into economics, because they lack the personality needed to be accountants.

Ouch!
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« Reply #15 on: Nov 15, 2012, 02:55PM »

This is really helping! Keep the gags coming!
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« Reply #16 on: Nov 15, 2012, 04:47PM »

A couple goes to their pastor for marriage counseling.

The pastor asks the woman to talk about her marriage. She goes on for some time about feeling neglected and unloved. After a few minutes, the pastor grabs the woman, embraces her and kisses her passionately.

He lets her go, then turns to the husband and says, "She needs that every single day. Can you commit to that?"

The husband says, "I can bring her down to the church on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, but on other days you'll have to come out to the house."
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« Reply #17 on: Nov 15, 2012, 04:54PM »

If you aren't an Os fan, this might not do it for you...

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« Reply #18 on: Nov 15, 2012, 04:58PM »

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
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« Reply #19 on: Nov 15, 2012, 06:22PM »

So I says to my one legged wife, Peg . . .
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« Reply #20 on: Nov 15, 2012, 06:42PM »

What type of bees make milk?





Boo bees
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« Reply #21 on: Nov 15, 2012, 07:00PM »

How about the dyslexic agnostic who questioned the existence of Dog?
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« Reply #22 on: Nov 15, 2012, 10:04PM »

I didn't want to do this but....

Back in the days after WWII, many Polish orphans were brought to the United States for adoption.

A couple from a small town, deep in the Washington woods, put out an offer and duly received a bouncing baby boy.

The name on the receiving blanket and the paper work identified the child as one "Dominic Doykowskiwcz."

The semi-literate adopting couple stared at that for a while.  Decided it incomprehensible.  And decided to call the kid "Doodah."  They gave him their last name.

Turned out, Doodah was fine boy.  He went through the school system as a bright lad, excelled in sports (for the first time, the town's HS football team won the state -1A championship with Doodah as quarterback.  He scored 50 points a night as guard on the BB team.  He was the first ever National Merit Scholarship winner from his HS.

But, because of loyalty to those who raised and loved him, he forsook scholarship offers, both academic and athletic, and chose to go to work for the town based lumber company.

The owner of the lumber mill had a marriageable daughter who had been in love with Doodah since 3rd grade.  She and Doodah married and moved into a rose covered cottage at the edge of town, there to share the bliss of the heavenly matched.

One day, though, tragedy struck.

While setting choker chain, Doodah had the set-up run foul.  A huge section of Douglas fir swung out of control, smashed him flat, and killed him instantly.

All the crew gathered round.  Distraught.  Doodah had been a hard worker, friendly, cheerful, wise-cracking.  A favorite of all.

The crew boss was stunned.  "I can't do this," he said.  "I can't face Susan with this."  ("Susan" being Doodah's wife, of course).

The group stood silently for a while, until one of the boys in the back volunteered. 

"Hey, boss, I've had a couple of courses in psychology.  I can probably think of the right thing to say."  "You got it," replied the crew chief, with a sigh of relief.

So Buster, for that was his name, went back into town forthwith and trudged up to the Rose-Covered Cottage and knocked on the door.

When Susan answered, Buster stood back, gathered himself, and sang:

"Guess who died in the woods today."
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baltimorebone

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« Reply #23 on: Nov 16, 2012, 03:55AM »

I hope today goes better! Thanks everyone for your jokes! They helped a lot  :)
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« Reply #24 on: Nov 22, 2012, 08:30AM »

It's been a really crap day, after a crap couple of weeks, but this made me laugh! :)

http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2012/11/22/dogs-eating-peanut-butter-compilation/
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« Reply #25 on: Nov 22, 2012, 02:36PM »

Trust me on this one. It's short, too.

http://agylen.com/2006/07/17/unintentionally-funny-company-urls/

I should mention that you should just read the article and not click on any of the URLs. When it was first published, all of the URLs were still in force for their original purpose (I checked 'em all out, and it was legit). Most of them still are, but a couple have been abandoned by their original owners (for reasons that will be obvious), and repurposed to direct people to sites that wouldn't be appropriate on this forum.
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« Reply #26 on: Nov 23, 2012, 02:34AM »

It's been a really crap day, after a crap couple of weeks, but this made me laugh! :)

http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2012/11/22/dogs-eating-peanut-butter-compilation/

Yup, I watch this live with our own dog. It goes on for a long time, even with a small amount!
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« Reply #27 on: Nov 23, 2012, 02:49AM »

Yup, I watch this live with our own dog. It goes on for a long time, even with a small amount!

The final one in the clip, with the stuff all over his nose, is probably still at it.... :)

Odd though. It would never have occurred to me to give a dog peanut butter!
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« Reply #28 on: Nov 23, 2012, 05:38AM »

We give our dogs soup bones (not used for soup, but instead simply baked with garlic) and when they have finished extracting the marrow from them we refill the cavity with peanut butter.  The bone gets a "new life" and the dogs just love them.
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« Reply #29 on: Nov 23, 2012, 07:12AM »

The final one in the clip, with the stuff all over his nose, is probably still at it.... :)

Odd though. It would never have occurred to me to give a dog peanut butter!

Dogs absolutely love it, we keep 2 jars at all times, one for us, one for the dogs.
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« Reply #30 on: Nov 23, 2012, 07:20AM »

Dogs absolutely love it, we keep 2 jars at all times, one for us, one for the dogs.

I wish I'd known this years ago! I'd have loved to see my boy Kenny eating it. :)
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« Reply #31 on: Nov 23, 2012, 09:09AM »

Had to wait for Thanksgiving before the Christmas jokes could start...

Why does Santa Claus come to town with a smile on his face?

He knows where all the naughty little girls live.
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« Reply #32 on: Nov 25, 2012, 08:00PM »

Wish I could go with the Christmas Joke lead, but, this is serious:

Alium Poisoning: Verboten for dogs: onions, garlic, leeks, et al. of the Alium tribe;

http://www.vet.cornell.edu/consultant/Consult.asp?Fun=Cause_2145&spc=All&dxkw=poison&sxkw=&signs

I never knew about this until riding to rehearsal with a very savvy string bass player.

Cheers,

Dog Lover (not beyond 1st base, though) in Waldport
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« Reply #33 on: Dec 23, 2012, 09:11AM »

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« Reply #34 on: Dec 24, 2012, 03:37AM »

Wish I could go with the Christmas Joke lead, but, this is serious:

Alium Poisoning: Verboten for dogs: onions, garlic, leeks, et al. of the Alium tribe;

Chocolate too.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theobromine_poisoning
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« Reply #35 on: Dec 24, 2012, 08:17AM »











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« Reply #36 on: Feb 12, 2013, 10:17AM »

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« Reply #37 on: Feb 12, 2013, 05:36PM »

Headline reads:  Benedikt Resigns, Indicates He's Too Pooped to Pope
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« Reply #38 on: Feb 14, 2013, 08:27PM »

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« Reply #39 on: Feb 22, 2013, 09:31AM »

A woman goes on vacation and leaves her pet cat with her older brother.  She calls one day, and in the midst of the conversation, she asks, "so how's fluffy?".  The brother hems and haws a little, then says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but fluffy's dead".  She bursts into tears, and when she gets her composure, she rips her brother a new one. "How can you just say, 'he's dead'? If it were mom, she'd say, 'well, fluffy's on the roof but we can't get her down'.  Then, the next time I called, she'd say, 'we went up on the roof but she fell to the ground, but the vet is hopeful for her recovery'. The next time I'd call, she'd say,'well, fluffy took a turn for the worse'. THEN the next time she'd call, she'd break the bad news.  By the way, how IS Mom?"
He took a deep breath and said,
"Mom's on the roof and we can't get her down" Evil
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« Reply #40 on: Feb 24, 2013, 01:48PM »

From my 14-year-old daughter:


Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiot's house.

"Knock knock."

Who's There?"

"The chicken."

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« Reply #41 on: Feb 24, 2013, 06:01PM »

You're too old to play gigs when:

1.   It becomes more important to find a place on stage for your fan than your
case.
2.   Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf or
 Dolly Parton with no bosom.
3.   All your fans leave by 9:30 p.m.
4.   All you want from groupies is a foot massage and back rub.
5.   You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most of your
 set-list.
6.   Instead of a fifth member, your quartet wants to spring for a roadie.
7.   You lost the directions to the gig.
8.   You need your glasses to see the music.
9.   You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.
10. You feel like heck before the gig even starts.
11. The waitress is your daughter!
12. You stop the set because your ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.
13. Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.
14. You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your trombone case.
15. You refuse to play without earplugs.
16. You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 9:30.
17. You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.
18. Your gig stool has a back.
19. You're related to at least one member in the band.
20. You don't let anyone sit in.
21. You need a nap before the gig.
22. After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.
23. During the breaks, you now go lie down.
24. You prefer a music stand with a light.
25. You don't recover until Tuesday afternoon.
26. You hope the host's speech lasts forever
27. You get a gig bag so you have less weight to carry.   
28. Feeling guilty looking at hot women at the audience, 'cause they're younger
than your daughter.
29. You can remember seven different club names for the same location.
30. You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in 7 days
and could physically do it!
31. Your date couldn't make it because she couldn't find a babysitter for the
grandkids.
32. The set list has to be in 20 point type..
33. Your drug of choice is now coffee…
34. It seems impossible to find stage shoes with decent arch support.
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« Reply #42 on: Feb 25, 2013, 08:07AM »

From my 14-year-old daughter:


Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiot's house.

"Knock knock."

Who's There?"

"The chicken."


I LOVE my 13- and 15-year-old daughters, but last night the drama in stereo during the Oscars was just too much. To whit:
"LES MIZ LOST TO WHAT???"
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« Reply #43 on: Feb 25, 2013, 08:19AM »

From my rather quick-witted 12-year-old son yesterday:

Background: I'm putting cash into envelops to pay the guys in my band for a gig last night, and explain to my son that the venue pays me, and then I pay the band:

Son: "How do the guys know you're not pocketing anything on top?"
Me:  "Because they know I'm as honest as the day is long!"
Son: "Does that mean you're less honest in the Winter?"

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« Reply #44 on: Feb 25, 2013, 08:48AM »

Old news,  but....

What's the difference between a pickpocket & Jimmy Swaggert?

I'll PM the answer so as not to get banned......


Did you hear about the Cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?......



Eric
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« Reply #45 on: Feb 25, 2013, 08:50AM »

Here's a good giggle...

Who will the Cowboys play in the Super Bowl next year?



BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






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« Reply #46 on: Feb 25, 2013, 12:50PM »

Here's a good giggle...

Who will the Cowboys play in the Super Bowl next year?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Did you say Super Bowl or Toilet Bowl? :-P

A little old man is told that eating rye bread will enhance his libido.

So he walks into a bakery and asks for 2 loaves of rye bread.

The clerk says "why so much?  It'll get very hard"

So he says: "4 loaves!"
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« Reply #47 on: Feb 25, 2013, 02:04PM »

Hope I'm not too late to get in on this:
    An old trambone player is driving at 2 am when a cop pulls him over.
    "Where are you going?" asks the cop.
    "I'm on my way to a lecture on the evils of alcohol, smoking, and gambling, and the detrimental effect they have on your health and matrimonial harmony."
    "Oh yeah?" asks the cop, "Who's giving a lecture like that at this time of night?"
    "That would be my wife," says the old timer.
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But the nights av Saint Patherick's Days in Athlone
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« Reply #48 on: Feb 25, 2013, 03:40PM »

A widow who lives at home with her dog finds an old lamp in her attic. She carries it downstairs to dust it off, and as often happens in jokes, a genie appears, offering to grant one wish.

The old woman thinks for a minute, then says, "I don't really want for anything, but my dog is more devoted to me than anyone else, and I might be less lonely if you converted him into a handsome young man." The genie grants the wish and departs.

The handsome young man sits next to the woman and embraces her, and whispers in her ear, "Too bad you had me fixed."
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« Reply #49 on: Feb 25, 2013, 10:31PM »



What's the difference between a pickpocket & Jimmy Swaggert?

Eric

So, not the oldie but goodie about the Pickpocket snatching watches?

I worked for a number of years at a convent that rented out space to the burocracy I was a insignificant part of.  One day, on my way to lunch at the Commons, at which the entire membership of the Order of the Silly Names (move over, Sister Atrocious) took 1/3 of it's daily bread, a colleague of mine to the trio of us posed "What's the difference between a Pickpocket and a Peeping Tom?"  Waiting a best, the poser announced, "Well, a Pickpocket Snatches watches."

To which one of less astute (but brilliant in many other ways save nuance), blurted out the obvious, to several coveys of the Holy Sisters. 

Maybe some of the more hip of them got it, but, for the two of us accompanying our idiot savant, we couldn't find holes near enough to jump in.

Ave verum corpus

<Edit: Fixed quote>
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« Reply #50 on: Mar 03, 2013, 01:38PM »

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« Reply #51 on: Mar 03, 2013, 01:51PM »

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« Reply #52 on: Mar 03, 2013, 02:05PM »

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I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.
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« Reply #53 on: Mar 04, 2013, 11:24AM »

A bagpiper once got a call to play a funeral for a homeless man.  The funeral was to be out in the country, and he really didn't want to drive that far, but compassion got the better of him and he agreed to do it.

He got a little lost on the way thru the country, but eventually found the cemetery and what appeared to be the gravesite.  He looked down into the hole and saw that, alas, he was late--the cover had already been placed on the vault. Workers were under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. I'm late, the gravediggers are all done, he thought to himself. Ah, well, I drove all this way, I may as well play for him.

So he gets his bagpipe out, puts it together, walks back to the grave and begins to play his heart out.  One by one, the workers stopped eating, got up, and walked over to the vault.  With "Amazing Grace" skirling in the breeze, the men found themselves growing teary-eyed and weepy.  When the piper finished, he shook each of their hands, and started to walk back to his car.

As he's putting his pipes in the trunk, he hears one of the workers say,

"20 years of installing septic tanks and I never saw anything like it".
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« Reply #54 on: Mar 04, 2013, 11:59AM »

    One night after their gig, the band decided to wind down at the local pub. But the trombone player was dismayed. "I'd love to get a beer," he said, "but I don't want to take my trombone into the bar--it will get damaged. And this is a bad neighborhood; if I leave it in the car, someone will steal it."
    His band mates said, "No one's going to steal your trombone. Lock it in the car and let's go."
    So that's what the trombone player did. After he'd had a beer or two and headed out to his car, sure enough, there was a broken back window. He ran to the car and looked in, where he saw broken glass and two trombones.
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But the nights av Saint Patherick's Days in Athlone
Folks dare not go by the ould graveyard alone,
For they say that McCarty sits on his tombstone
And plays this sad tune on a phantom trombone
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« Reply #55 on: Mar 09, 2013, 04:49AM »

    So that's what the trombone player did. After he'd had a beer or two and headed out to his car, sure enough, there was a broken back window. He ran to the car and looked in, where he saw broken glass and two trombones.

That reminds me of a true story. A banjo-playing friend of mind had his house broken into. They took a load of stuff, but left his banjo sitting on the lawn....
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« Reply #56 on: Mar 15, 2013, 10:58PM »

Go to hardware store
Buy plunger for plunger mute
Go to the check out counter
Watch their face when you say that you don't need the wooden handle.
 Evil
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« Reply #57 on: Mar 16, 2013, 11:23PM »

Go to hardware store
Buy plunger for plunger mute
Go to the check out counter
Watch their face when you say that you don't need the wooden handle.
 Evil

That's great!
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« Reply #58 on: Mar 16, 2013, 11:33PM »

The best part is that I actually did that...  Eeek!
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« Reply #59 on: Mar 17, 2013, 05:11AM »

Go to hardware store
Buy plunger for plunger mute
Go to the check out counter
Watch their face when you say that you don't need the wooden handle.
 Evil

It's also fun watching the other shoppers as you paw through an entire box of plungers looking for the one with the right feel (not too soft, not too stiff). ;-)
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« Reply #60 on: Mar 25, 2013, 04:58PM »

Go to hardware store
Buy plunger for plunger mute
Go to the check out counter
Watch their face when you say that you don't need the wooden handle.
 Evil
I don't think they quite understood what you meant when you said it involved a trombone.
Must have been really fun for my friend who bought 4 mutes for our whole section. "What? The sticks? Nope, I'm buying these for some buddies of mine. They won't use it."
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« Reply #61 on: Apr 09, 2013, 11:03AM »

A trombonist walks towards the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter pulls out his
book.  St. Peter looks quite grim, and says, "My son, your entire life has
been a solitary existence, and you have never once performed a good deed."

The trombonist immediately replies, "Why, yes, I have done a good deed!"

St. Peter is surprised by this and asks for the details.

"You see, I walked out of the club after playing for four hours and found a
biker beating up a woman in the alley.  I punched him in the nose, knocked
him down, grabbed his nose ring and said, 'LEAVE HER ALONE OR YOU'LL HAVE TO
ANSWER TO ME!'"

St. Peter looks impressed, and asks, "When did this happen?"

"About two minutes ago."
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Eric, Leandra, Sara, Jared & Lily
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« Reply #62 on: Apr 13, 2013, 06:50AM »

My clarinettist, an old Jewish guy, told a joke to the band at our gig on Thursday. He apparently heard this joke on a UK TV channel, in a programme entitled "Old Jewish Guys Telling Jokes"!

*rude joke alert*

A guy goes to the doctor and is informed that he is very seriously ill. Shocked, he passes this information on to his wife. She then goes to the same doctor to get more details of her husband's illness. The doctor tells her that her husband has a terminal condition and only one thing can save him. He must be given a blow job every single day for the rest of his life. She goes back home and the husband says, "Well, what did he say???" The wife replied, "You're gonna die...."
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« Reply #63 on: May 15, 2013, 08:21AM »

A Minister, Priest and Rabbi walk into a bar. The Bartender says, "What is this...some kind of joke!
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greg waits
« Reply #64 on: May 15, 2013, 08:33AM »

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.

"**** Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?"

"I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

"She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......

"On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.�
And then she said, "Do whatever you want"

So, Here I am!
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« Reply #65 on: May 15, 2013, 08:42AM »

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
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Eric, Leandra, Sara, Jared & Lily
Edwards
"The bitterness of poor quality remains long after the sweetness of low price has faded!"
"If you're doing something a certain way ONLY because it's always been done that way,  you're probably doing it wrong!"
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« Reply #66 on: May 15, 2013, 08:51AM »

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

Men are just as bad!

Mind you, I had to move today. I was sitting in a pub, quietly reading a book and eating a sandwich, when two women came and sat at the next table. I was quite happy with them chatting away. I was NOT happy when their own lunches arrived and they continued chatting away, with their mouths full... Mad
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greg waits
« Reply #67 on: May 15, 2013, 08:59AM »

You should have recorded the video with your phone and posted it online.
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greg waits
« Reply #68 on: May 30, 2013, 10:29AM »

Q: Why is it that Gorillas don't play trumpet?

A: They are much too sensitive.
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« Reply #69 on: Jun 28, 2013, 02:04PM »

Couldn't help but laugh out loud!!

http://9gag.com/gag/agyyDPn?ref=9g.m

BOOOOYEEEAAHH!!!



Eric
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Eric, Leandra, Sara, Jared & Lily
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"The bitterness of poor quality remains long after the sweetness of low price has faded!"
"If you're doing something a certain way ONLY because it's always been done that way,  you're probably doing it wrong!"
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« Reply #70 on: Jun 28, 2013, 02:32PM »

What does a soprano use for birth control?



Her personality.

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« Reply #71 on: Jun 28, 2013, 02:37PM »

A horse walks in to a bar and takes a seat.  Bartender walks over and asks, "Why the long face?"
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« Reply #72 on: Jun 29, 2013, 03:24AM »

A horse walks in to a bar and takes a seat.  Bartender walks over and asks, "Why the long face?"

Guessing  Sarah J. Parker gets this a lot ;-)

Have you heard of the euphonium player with nightly gigs? Neither have I!
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« Reply #73 on: Jun 29, 2013, 09:55AM »

Did you hear the one about the man walking down the street and turned into a drugstore?
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« Reply #74 on: Jun 29, 2013, 07:26PM »

Guessing  Sarah J. Parker gets this a lot ;-)

Have you heard of the euphonium player with nightly gigs? Neither have I!
and Celine Dion too.
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« Reply #75 on: Jun 29, 2013, 08:15PM »

Go to hardware store
Buy plunger for plunger mute
Go to the check out counter
Watch their face when you say that you don't need the wooden handle.
 Evil

Yeah.  Actually did that.  They made me take it anyway.
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Gary P Kimzey
greg waits
« Reply #76 on: Jun 29, 2013, 08:42PM »

A horse walks in to a bar and takes a seat.  Bartender walks over and asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse's reply: "Because I've been walking around all day"
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greg waits
« Reply #77 on: Aug 17, 2013, 07:20AM »

Mr Jones was faced with a dilemma. His small business wasn't doing so well and he knew he had to let one of his valued employees go. He had no choice but he was having a hard time deciding who it would be.

Kathy and Jack had been with the company the same length of time and they were both dedicated, loyal and competent. Yet he had to choose.

Sitting in his office early one morning pondering the problem, he decided that he would present the situation to the first one to arrive. Maybe if he explained it, he or she would offer to be the one to step down.

He heard the front door open. As soon as he saw Kathy walk by he asked her to come into his office and sit down.

"Kathy, I am faced with an awful dilemma. Things haven't been going so good lately, and I am going to have to lay you or Jack off"

Without a moment's hesitation she replied:

"If you don't mind, please jack off; I have an awful headache"
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« Reply #78 on: Aug 17, 2013, 09:49AM »

Mr Jones was faced with a dilemma. His small business wasn't doing so well and he knew he had to let one of his valued employees go. He had no choice but he was having a hard time deciding who it would be.

Kathy and Jack had been with the company the same length of time and they were both dedicated, loyal and competent. Yet he had to choose.

Sitting in his office early one morning pondering the problem, he decided that he would present the situation to the first one to arrive. Maybe if he explained it, he or she would offer to be the one to step down.

He heard the front door open. As soon as he saw Kathy walk by he asked her to come into his office and sit down.

"Kathy, I am faced with an awful dilemma. Things haven't been going so good lately, and I am going to have to lay you or Jack off"

Without a moment's hesitation she replied:

"If you don't mind, please jack off; I have an awful headache"


Badum  crash.......

In spite of the seriousness of the incident...

Did you hear about the naming incident regarding teh pilots of the plane crash in SF?
Captains: Sum Ting Wong,  Bang Ting Oww,  Wee Tu Lo






Eric



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Eric, Leandra, Sara, Jared & Lily
Edwards
"The bitterness of poor quality remains long after the sweetness of low price has faded!"
"If you're doing something a certain way ONLY because it's always been done that way,  you're probably doing it wrong!"
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« Reply #79 on: Aug 17, 2013, 01:14PM »

Couldn't help but laugh out loud!!

http://9gag.com/gag/agyyDPn?ref=9g.m

BOOOOYEEEAAHH!!!



Eric

Oh, dear... :-0
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Daniel De Kok
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B.M. Michigan
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greg waits
« Reply #80 on: Aug 17, 2013, 07:01PM »

A man walks onto an elevator. On the next floor a cute blonde walks on.

As the elevator continues moving, the blonde turns to the man and says with a smile:

"T.G,I.F."

He looks at her strangely and replies: "S.H.I.T."

She looks puzzled. Again she says: "T.G.I.F."

Again he says in reply: "S.H.I.T."

Exasperated, she says:

"Don't you get it? T.G.I.F. Thank God it's Friday!"

He shakes his head and says:

"S.H.I.T. Sorry honey, it's Thursday"
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greg waits
« Reply #81 on: Aug 18, 2013, 04:32PM »

Q: When is a woman like a piano?

A: When she isn't upright she is grand.

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« Reply #82 on: Oct 27, 2013, 04:14PM »

An Irishman walks out of a bar.





Two men walk into a bar. Third man ducks





Ham Sandwich walks into a bar. Bartender looks up and says "we don't serve food here"
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« Reply #83 on: Oct 27, 2013, 09:49PM »


Badum  crash.......

In spite of the seriousness of the incident...

Did you hear about the naming incident regarding teh pilots of the plane crash in SF?
Captains: Sum Ting Wong,  Bang Ting Oww,  Wee Tu Lo

Eric

Unfortunately, those actually got published somewhere (or maybe read on the news). Someone put them in the copy as a joke, and no one caught it.
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« Reply #84 on: Oct 28, 2013, 08:51AM »

It was recently announced that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have fired head coach Greg Schiano, replacing him with Korean coach "Win Won Soon."
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« Reply #85 on: Dec 19, 2013, 08:08PM »

Nothing like watching videos of people with less of a life than yourself :) I feel your pain with a cruddy day too

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPPj6viIBmU
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« Reply #86 on: Jan 02, 2014, 06:36AM »

I've recently bought a Kindle Paperwhite. I love it. :)

However, one of the free books I've recently downloaded was entitled "One Hundred Best Jokes".

It was NOT money well spent! Eeek!
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« Reply #87 on: Jan 02, 2014, 06:45AM »

I've recently bought a Kindle Paperwhite. I love it. :)

However, one of the free books I've recently downloaded was entitled "One Hundred Best Jokes".

It was NOT money well spent! Eeek!

It was free? So then, no money spent?
Or am I off?
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« Reply #88 on: Jan 02, 2014, 06:59AM »

I think that she means that even at "free" it was overpriced. ;-)
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« Reply #89 on: Jan 02, 2014, 07:00AM »

True! The book was free, but my goodness, the jokes were CRAP! Horrors!
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« Reply #90 on: Jan 02, 2014, 07:12AM »

True! The book was free, but my goodness, the jokes were CRAP! Horrors!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side?

Or give us an example, Dutchies laugh at basically every joke  :/
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« Reply #91 on: Jan 02, 2014, 07:19AM »


Or give us an example, Dutchies laugh at basically every joke  :/

I will, I will!  :)

However, I've moved this book from my device to the "Cloud" and I can't access Kindle from work.... no WiFi.... so need to be home.
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« Reply #92 on: Jan 02, 2014, 07:42AM »

The thing is, most any joke is funny the first time.  Many jokes we adults find "groaners" are hysterical to young children.
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« Reply #93 on: Jan 02, 2014, 09:36AM »

On TV the other night was half an hour of "Boffins telling jokes". Scientists standing up in front of an invisible (but apparently small) audience of colleagues and spouting supposedly funny scientific jokes, with the colleagues doing their best to laugh. It was excruciating.... Embarrassed!

I switched off before the next programme, which was "Vicars telling jokes"!!!!
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« Reply #94 on: Jan 06, 2014, 01:36PM »

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren''t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
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« Reply #95 on: Jan 07, 2014, 07:39AM »

An oldie but a goodie:

You say "Car-mee-na"
and I say "Car-my-na",
You say "Bu-rah-na"
and I say "Bu-ray-na",
Car-mee-na!
Car-my-na!
Bu-rah-na!
Bu-ray-na!
Let's call the whole thing Orff.
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« Reply #96 on: Jan 12, 2014, 05:29PM »

The contractually obligatory, mid-program commercial...


<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/mwqfCtAazss" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/mwqfCtAazss</a>

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« Reply #97 on: Jan 13, 2014, 12:32PM »

From the radio game show "It Pays to Be Ignorant," September 15, 1944:

Moderator: The question is about "salesmen"...
Panelist: I used to be a salesman! My first day I got two orders.
Moderator: Two orders?
Panelist: Yeah. "Get out!" and "Stay out!"

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« Reply #98 on: Jan 13, 2014, 12:52PM »

A man walks into a bar.
He says, "ouch."
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« Reply #99 on: Jan 13, 2014, 06:10PM »

.
« Last Edit: Jan 15, 2014, 06:37AM by badger » Logged
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« Reply #100 on: Jan 13, 2014, 07:19PM »

This is true.

Last Saturday I went to a local music store to buy a bottle of slide-oil.
A resonator guitar (dobro) was on the counter for customers to try (and hopefully buy.)
[Resonator guitars make a bluegrass-country twanggy sound. You use a glass tube to push
the strings towards the fretboard while plucking a string.]

After paying for the slide-oil it was my turn to try the resonator guitar.
I was doing something right; I was able to get the the resonator guitar to growl. (Mr. Jerry Douglas,
a five-years-in-a-row award winner of "The best dobro player in the country" would have been proud!)

Meanwhile, more customers came to the counter to listen to my impromptu dobro recital. Some started dancing. Somebody asked,"How do you dc that?  That sound is awesome."  Others chimed in, "Right on."

The smart clerk grinned. He picked up the bottle of trombone slide-oil I had placed on the counter next to the dobro.  He said, "The trick is to use slide-oil."

A customer asked, "How much is the slide-oil?   Will it work as well with their child's violin?"

I started laughing so hard that I lost that magic touch that I had had for almost two minutes. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey trombone folks.  A year ago I resumed practicing trombone after a 38-year break.  This coming weekend I am going to attend a trombone festival at James Madison University in Harrisonburg VA!   
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« Reply #101 on: Feb 18, 2014, 09:45PM »

Jack Benny: You know what burns me up?  That make-up man dashes into MacMurray's dressing room, puts a little powder on his face and Fred is all set.

Then when he comes over to make me up, he takes off his coat, opens his bag and pulls out a blueprint!

- The JELL-O Show, January 30, 1938
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« Reply #102 on: Feb 19, 2014, 09:37AM »

I was at the hospital this morning, getting a colonoscopy (clean bill, btw  ;-))
The receptionist asked, "are you Daniel right now?"
I said "yes", paused, and then said, "and I'll be Daniel later, too".
She wasn't amused--but the rest of the people in the waiting room chuckled.
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« Reply #103 on: Feb 19, 2014, 10:06AM »

I was at the hospital this morning, getting a colonoscopy (clean bill, btw  ;-))
The receptionist asked, "are you Daniel right now?"
I said "yes", paused, and then said, "and I'll be Daniel later, too".
She wasn't amused--but the rest of the people in the waiting room chuckled.


No!  I said BUD light!!


8)
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« Reply #104 on: Feb 19, 2014, 12:27PM »

I was at the hospital this morning, getting a colonoscopy (clean bill, btw  ;-))
The receptionist asked, "are you Daniel right now?"
I said "yes", paused, and then said, "and I'll be Daniel later, too".
She wasn't amused--but the rest of the people in the waiting room chuckled.


I worked for a consulting firm, one of whose consultants was named "Martin Van Buren."  We enjoyed hearing his name being paged so much, that we would call up the receptionist from our cell phones, and have her page other dead US Presidents as well, "Rutherford B. Hayes" being my personal favorite.
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« Reply #105 on: Feb 19, 2014, 12:39PM »


I worked for a consulting firm, one of whose consultants was named "Martin Van Buren."  We enjoyed hearing his name being paged so much, that we would call up the receptionist from our cell phones, and have her page other dead US Presidents as well, "Rutherford B. Hayes" being my personal favorite.

 :D :D :D!!!
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« Reply #106 on: Feb 21, 2014, 11:36AM »

We are SCREWED!!!

http://www.nbcnews.com/storyline/sochi-olympics/high-stakes-hockey-canada-vs-usa-loser-keeps-bieber-n35041



Sigh.....
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« Reply #107 on: Feb 21, 2014, 12:37PM »


Not if you're Canada...
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« Reply #108 on: Mar 26, 2014, 08:13PM »

Jack Benny had Travoltafication before Travoltafication was cool...

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/XEIkbfzPUu4" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/XEIkbfzPUu4</a>
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« Reply #109 on: Apr 06, 2014, 05:05AM »

Received in a forwarded email, all serial numbers carefully removed...
 
I think I get it...  or not...  maybe...
 
=========================
Subject: Fwd: an interview with huxtable p. downes, jazz columnist for the gold coast bulletin.
 
Interviewer: Can you explain jazz?
 
Dude: I can't but I will.  90% of all jazz is half improvisation. The other
half is the part people play while others are playing something they never
played with anyone who played that part.
So, if you play the wrong part, its right. If you play the right part, it
might be right if you play it wrong enough. But if you play it too right,
its wrong.
 
Interviewer: I don't understand.
 
Dude: Anyone who understands jazz knows that you can't understand it. Its
too complicated. That's what's so simple about it.
 
Interviewer: Do you understand it?
 
Dude: No. That's why I can explain it. If I understood it, I wouldn't know
anything about it.
 
Interviewer: Are there any great jazz players alive today?
 
Dude: No. All the great jazz players alive today are dead except for the
ones that are still alive. But so many of them are dead, the ones that are
still alive are dying to be like the ones that are dead. Some would kill
for it.
 
Interviewer: What is syncopation?
 
Dude: That's when the note you should hear now happens either before or
after you hear it. In jazz, you don't hear notes when they happen because
that would be some other type of music. Other types of music can be jazz,
but only if they're the same as something different from those other kinds.
 
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« Reply #110 on: Apr 07, 2014, 08:35PM »

This joke is so old, it was referenced in "The Sting" as a joke that was already painfully old in the 1930's... but I've only heard it today:

Quote
An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for two tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"

The girl tells him that he can't take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in.

Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick its head out and watch the movie.

Sitting next to him are two old women. The one closest to the old guy nudges her companion and whispers, "Lucy, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!"

Her companion whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."

"I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!!"
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« Reply #111 on: Oct 23, 2014, 12:43AM »

Neither of these jokes quite fits the topic heading:

A guy sits down at a lunch counter and asks for a cup of coffee without cream. The waitress says, "Sorry, we don't have cream--would you like it without milk?"

An attractive woman walked into a bar and said, "Give me an entendre, and make it a double." The guy really GAVE it to her.
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« Reply #112 on: Nov 03, 2014, 08:57AM »


A guy sits down at a lunch counter and asks for a cup of coffee without cream. The waitress says, "Sorry, we don't have cream--would you like it without milk?"


New Yorker variation on that...

One pretending-to-be-rich woman to another: "Last year we didn't go to Rio but this year we're not going to Cannes"
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« Reply #113 on: Nov 03, 2014, 08:58AM »

Halloween...

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« Reply #114 on: Nov 03, 2014, 11:26AM »

Outstanding!
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« Reply #115 on: Dec 14, 2014, 09:09AM »

The "The Late Show" band trombone player (Tom  Malone) tops Dave.

Skip ahead to about 1:15...

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/5LBRuHKcozg" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/5LBRuHKcozg</a>

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« Reply #116 on: Dec 24, 2014, 03:56PM »

Tom Lehrer's beloved Hanukkah song, now arranged for mass gay choir...


<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/MehTnsDVvU4" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/MehTnsDVvU4</a>
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« Reply #117 on: Jan 04, 2015, 02:40PM »

It's quite subtle...

Conductor disappointed by horn players during his last concert
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« Reply #118 on: Jan 05, 2015, 11:03AM »

Tom Lehrer's beloved Hanukkah song, now arranged for mass gay choir...


<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/MehTnsDVvU4" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/MehTnsDVvU4</a>

How would I transcribe this for a choir comprised of mostly heterosexual men?
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« Reply #119 on: Jan 05, 2015, 11:09AM »

How would I transcribe this for a choir comprised of mostly heterosexual men?

In the unlikely event of encountering such an ensemble I think you would delete the hand gestures.
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« Reply #120 on: Jan 23, 2015, 09:00AM »

I finally figured out what middle age is:
You're old enough to put your parents in a home, and your kids are old enough to put you in a home! 
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« Reply #121 on: Feb 02, 2015, 09:08AM »


9 pictures of cats on glass tables taken from below

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« Reply #122 on: Feb 05, 2015, 09:07PM »

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« Reply #123 on: Feb 05, 2015, 09:10PM »

http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6994763/18-kids-who-definitely-bested-their-teachers/page:4

http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6994763/18-kids-who-definitely-bested-their-teachers/page:8
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« Reply #124 on: Mar 23, 2015, 09:14PM »

Do you like painting?

You'll love the Bob Ross of Japan

<a href="https://www.youtube.com/v/_dZ3J02UAGs" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/v/_dZ3J02UAGs</a>
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« Reply #125 on: Dec 06, 2015, 09:59AM »

Q-What's the difference between?:

1) A trombonist squashed on the road
2) A skunk squashed on the road

A-The skunk was probably on his way to a gig.

Q-What's the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A-On and Off

Q-Why do people play trombone?
A-They can't read music and use their fingers at the same time

Q-What is another name for the Trombone?
A-The Wamopa - Wind activated, manually operated pitch approximator

Q-What do you call a trombonist with a regular gig?
A-A clarinet player

Q-What does a trombonist do to prepare his car for a hot date?
A-He takes the Dominoes Pizza sign off the roof.
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« Reply #126 on: Jan 14, 2016, 06:37PM »

Ok, so when I lived on Ft Bragg, deployment was a constant thing on everyone's mind. There are a lot of spouses that are home alone or with kids, worrying about their deployed spouse. And it's really sad.

So: my wife and I were out for a walk and we heard a woman talking. There never was a response so we assumed she was on the phone. She sounded distressed.

"Stop... just stop. You're making it so difficult."

Then

"Why are you so unstable? Just listen to me. Help me out for just a second here"

We were pretty concerned because she sounded upset and we were whispering about how her husband must not be communicating enough while deployed or that they were going through a rough patch.

We rounded the corner and she came into view.

"Stop being so unstable!"

She had her dog on it's hind legs, with its front paws on her shoulders. She was trying to put a doggie coat on it... a dog on it's hind legs is really not stable at all. He was loving the attention and had that sort of dumb, "I love you so much" dog expression on.

We couldn't stop laughing.
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« Reply #127 on: Jan 23, 2016, 09:33PM »

I did have a really good joke I heard yesterday. Tubad I forgot it!  Evil:-0
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« Reply #128 on: Nov 16, 2016, 02:44PM »

Hahaha  :)
I was always told that laughing was contagious :D
:-P
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« Reply #129 on: Nov 16, 2016, 02:48PM »

I did have a really good joke I heard yesterday. Tubad I forgot it!  Evil:-0
Lol that always happens to me too
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« Reply #130 on: Nov 26, 2016, 10:25AM »

Go to hardware store
Buy plunger for plunger mute
Go to the check out counter
Watch their face when you say that you don't need the wooden handle.
 Evil

I did this. Said I was a tough guy and did not need the handle.
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« Reply #131 on: Nov 26, 2016, 02:21PM »

I did this. Said I was a tough guy and did not need the handle.

Excellent!

Off the subject a bit, has anyone else cut the handle really short and rounded it off and used it that way?

[edit]
I mean as a mute, not as a plumber's friend.
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« Reply #132 on: Dec 04, 2016, 02:49PM »

Soviet-era joke found on a piano forum...

"The joke has to do with a little symbol called 'znak kachestva' or 'the mark of quality'. It's a little pentagon with, as I recall an anvil and the letters CCCP. Good solid, commie symbol. It appears on the underside of nearly every Soviet-era consumer product. To those familiar with Soviet-era consumer goods, it is considered something like a "Mr. Yuk" sticker.





So the joke goes:

The Delegates are wandering in to the chamber of the U.N. Suddenly, someone lets out a gasp. *Gasp!* There is a large piece of excrement on the table at the center of the room. Whispering ensues with speculation as to whose excrement it might be. The denials start immediately!

The American delegate says, "well, it can't possibly be American...it's not big enough."

The German delegate says, "it is not German, it is not perfectly round."

The British delegate says, "it certainly is not British, it is not the correct color."

The French delegate says, "I am sure it is not French as it does not have the proper odor."

The Russian delegate picks up the piece of excrement, looks at the underside and says, "it is not Russian, it does not have the mark of quality."


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« Reply #133 on: Dec 08, 2016, 06:55PM »

When You Are Over Seventy

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and
said, “You’re kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?”

I said, “Yeah, you gotta pen?”

She said, “Yeah, I got a pen”.

I said, “You better get back in it before the farmer misses you.”

Cost me 6 stitches… but, when you’re over seventy... who cares?



Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”

Lady Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”

Cowboy: “Nah… She’s purty good lookin’…"

When you’re over seventy… who cares?
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« Reply #134 on: Jan 07, 2017, 09:35AM »

I'm sure this has been seen on the forum several times before, but to bring back some laughs...

Mnozil Brass' Lonely Boy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYRMbj6U2Ww

You can skip to 3:53 if you don't want to watch the intro

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« Reply #135 on: May 03, 2017, 07:08PM »

All the members of the company's Board of Directors
were called into the Chairman's office, one after another,
until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned.

Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other
four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.

Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table,
which he did.

The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with
a stern voice, he asked,       
"Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Foyt?"

"Oh, no, sir, positively not!" Ted replied.

"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.
"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"

"You'd swear to that?"

"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Foyt,
anytime, anywhere,"I nsisted Ted.

"Good. Then you fire her."
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"The bitterness of poor quality remains long after the sweetness of low price has faded!"
"If you're doing something a certain way ONLY because it's always been done that way,  you're probably doing it wrong!"
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« Reply #136 on: May 23, 2017, 02:54PM »

http://www.physics-astronomy.com/2017/04/hubble-just-spotted-something-massive.html?m=1#.WSHKiSMpBnF
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MrPillow
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« Reply #137 on: May 23, 2017, 03:03PM »

On the contrary, had they worded it any differently, how much less attention would it have received!
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« Reply #138 on: May 23, 2017, 03:13PM »

   LOVE?

           
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.
           
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.
           
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
           
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
           
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart"
           
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
           
Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
             
           
1. Who the hell is this?             
           
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
             
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
                         
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
             
5. I don't understand what you mean..
             
6. What the hell did you do now?
             
7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.
             
8) Am I dreaming?
             
9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will                  die.
             
10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day..
                         
11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
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« Reply #139 on: May 28, 2017, 12:34PM »

Smoking causes cancer, right? We all could come down with colon cancer from all the political smoke the media is blowing up our collective ass.
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« Reply #140 on: Jun 30, 2017, 03:02AM »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIlNIVXpIns
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Ethan Wadie
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« Reply #141 on: Jun 30, 2017, 06:56AM »

Know Your Tools!

 
SKILLSAW: A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.
 
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
 
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh ****’. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.
 
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
 
CHANNEL LOCKS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
 
HACK SAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
 
VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
 
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
 
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!
 
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
 
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations.
 
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.
 
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
 
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
 
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
 
PVC PIPE CUTTER: A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.
 
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.
 
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.

SON OF A ***** TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a *****’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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« Reply #142 on: Jun 30, 2017, 08:41PM »

One of these is not like the othears...




(Boxers of various nations at the 1932 Olympics)
« Last Edit: Jul 02, 2017, 07:19PM by robcat2075 » Logged

Robert Holmén

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« Reply #143 on: Jul 01, 2017, 05:06AM »

One of these is not like the others...




(Boxers of various nations at the 1932 Olympics)

The guy in the lower right is wearing Nike Airmaxes from the late 90's.
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« Reply #144 on: Jul 01, 2017, 05:17AM »

And speaking of time travellers :



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"My technique is as good as Initial D"
T-396A - Griego 1C
88HTCL - Griego 1C
36H - DE XT105, C+, D Alto Shank
3B/F Silversonic - Griego 1A ss
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« Reply #145 on: Jul 02, 2017, 07:19PM »

When your friend isn't into your tunes...

<a href="https://www.youtube.com/v/CEQuDyuQFKE" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/v/CEQuDyuQFKE</a>

https://youtu.be/CEQuDyuQFKE
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« Reply #146 on: Jul 02, 2017, 07:38PM »

MY wife asked me to hand her the Chapstick. I accidentally handed her a glue stick.

She hasn't spoken to me in days.
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« Reply #147 on: Jul 17, 2017, 04:18PM »

My wife asked me to hand her the Chap Stick but I accidentally handed her the Gorilla Glue instead.

She hasn't spoken to me in weeks.
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