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The Trombone ForumCreation and PerformanceMusical Miscellany(Moderators: JP, BGuttman) The best jokes about instruments (no trombones!)
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FerhyaSlide
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« on: Dec 17, 2013, 02:20AM »

Okay, so I've just read a topic about the vast amount of jokes about trombonists.
So I felt like making fun of every other instrument.

I'll start with a very simple one the 2 Tuba players use when the band is checking pitch:

A: How do you get 2 flutes to sound good together?
B: Shoot one of the flutists.
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Sander de Vos
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BGuttman
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« Reply #1 on: Dec 17, 2013, 02:49AM »

I've heard that one applied to piccolo players.  Also works for oboe players.

What does a soprano use for birth control?  Her personality.

How do you fix a broken tuba?  With a tuba glue. (American pun - tube o' glue)

What's a tuba for?  About 1 3/4 by 3 1/2 unless you specify "full cut" (A two by four is a size of lumber for building; 50 x 100 mm, approximately.  Another American pun)
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Bruce Guttman
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« Reply #2 on: Dec 17, 2013, 04:26AM »

Q: What do you have if 100 American Idol contestants are up to their necks in cement?

A: Not enough cement.
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Rich Woolworth
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FerhyaSlide
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« Reply #3 on: Dec 17, 2013, 04:55AM »

We refer to clarinets and oboes as being wooden table legs.

Also, Hornists put their hand in the bell, because even they are saddened by the sound that comes out.

Too bad they counter that as the trombone being a chromatic gambling stick.

Whatever we do, we won't ever get the respect we deserve from those valve players.
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Sander de Vos
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« Reply #4 on: Dec 17, 2013, 07:09AM »

How do you get a french horn to sound like a trombone? Take your hand out of the bell and point it straight ahead!

What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone? On or off!

Not really a joke, but in Norway a trombone is often reffered to in jest as a "runkebinders", which is a combination of the Norwegian word for the act of masturbating "runke", and the Norwegian word for a paper clip "binders".

EDIT: ops! missed the no trombone jokes part  :/
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TromboneMonkey

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« Reply #5 on: Dec 17, 2013, 07:21AM »

Q: How can you tell when there's a vocalist at your door?

A: She can't find the key and she doesn't know when to come in.
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« Reply #6 on: Dec 17, 2013, 07:44AM »

Q: What does a female vocalist do first thing when she gets up in the morning?

A: Puts her clothes on and goes home..........  :D Evil
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« Reply #7 on: Dec 17, 2013, 07:52AM »

Q: What does a female vocalist do first thing when she gets up in the morning?

A: Puts her clothes on and goes home..........  :D Evil

Hopefully she doesn't trip over a trombone on the way out  Pant
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Manexbi

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« Reply #8 on: Dec 17, 2013, 08:28AM »

Q: What does a female vocalist do first thing when she gets up in the morning?

A: Puts her clothes on and goes home..........  :D Evil

My english is not the best and is hard to get some jokes but I got this!!! Pant
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« Reply #9 on: Dec 17, 2013, 08:34AM »

I know a bass player that always plays the same note... all along the song in all the songs!
One day his bandmates agree to tell him that there were bass players over there that play different notes trought the song.
The bass player looked at them and told them that this is because they are trying to find the correct note but he  has alredy find it. Evil
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« Reply #10 on: Dec 17, 2013, 08:46AM »

The bass player arrived late to the community orchestra's rehearsal for the yearly Messiah concert. The conductor asked him if he wanted a few minutes to tune up, but the bassist replied, "No, it's the same as last year, isn't it?"

Later in the same rehearsal, one of the viola players started crying. Conductor asked what was wrong, and between sobs she told him that the flute player had turned one of her pegs, and wouldn't tell her which one.
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« Reply #11 on: Dec 17, 2013, 09:34AM »

What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone? On or off!


There's an off???
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Jim Theobald
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« Reply #12 on: Dec 17, 2013, 10:08AM »

This sort of fits----

Last week at a rehearsal a guy came up to me with this one---

What do call a beautiful woman on the arm of a trombone player?

. . . . .  .  a tattoo!  :(
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Najataagihe
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« Reply #13 on: Dec 17, 2013, 10:51AM »

 Hi


What do you call two oboes playing in unison?



A minor second.



::rimshot::
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« Reply #14 on: Dec 17, 2013, 11:02AM »

What's the range of a viola?

About 20 yards if you kick it hard enough!



Eric
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« Reply #15 on: Dec 17, 2013, 11:14AM »

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?  The viola burns longer.

Why is a long drawn-out lawsuit like a viola recital?  Because there is great relief when the case is closed.
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Bruce Guttman
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« Reply #16 on: Dec 17, 2013, 11:24AM »

what is the difference between a viola and trompoline? you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

how do you get a professional euphonium player off your front porch? pay 'em for the pizza.

what do you call a pain the ass that knows nothing about music but hangs around with musicians? a drummer.

what is the difference between an oboe and an onion? no one cries when you chop up an onion.

how many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? 10, one to change theblight bubl and 9 to say i could have done better than that.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? only one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

What is the difference between the sound of a bassoon and the sound of a lawn mower? vibrato
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Mark J. La Fratta
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« Reply #17 on: Dec 17, 2013, 11:53AM »

How many community band members does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They all enjoy being in the dark.

...Geezer
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This is a pretty darn good discussion Forum (as they go). But as far as actual playing advice is concerned, don't let it take the place of an instructor you can relate to one-on-one.
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« Reply #18 on: Dec 17, 2013, 01:09PM »

What's the difference between the front desk and back desk of a viola section? ....A semitone.
What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?....The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
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bonearzt

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« Reply #19 on: Dec 17, 2013, 01:17PM »

what is the difference between a viola and trompoline? you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

how do you get a professional euphonium player off your front porch? pay 'em for the pizza.

what do you call a pain the ass that knows nothing about music but hangs around with musicians? a drummer.

what is the difference between an oboe and an onion? no one cries when you chop up an onion.

That should be "chop up an oboe."


How do you know the stage is level?

The tubist drools from both sides of his mouth.


Eric
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